Nelly Furtado’s Canadian Fan Club. For fans by a fan.

Aboot Canada

Canada, also known as America’s Frosted Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, Canadia or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as “The Great White North”, is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh?

To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn’t know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.

The world sees Canada as America’s dorky half brother, (although Canada sees the USA as a retarded cousin.) Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America’s father was apparently Jesus, Canada’s was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its “cool” older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).
To speak of Canada’s geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land, and vary vary littel gravity. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beaver quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for Canadian geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver the nation’s primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on UN tours or backpacking around Europe, aren’t generally of use for defense, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether Red Green was funny or not.

Measuring the beaver depth with sonar experiments was tried, but Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Lee was quoted as saying, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” [ba dum-dum!!]. Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts about 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below sea level. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the Netherlands of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, eh.

Canada’s education system consistently ranks in top three for North America, and is known for turning out such famous individuals such as… uhh… I’ll get back to you on that one.

The secret to Canada’s wild success in educating their masses? The truth is rather simple, the children all pass because the teachers are only capable of giving one grade: an “Eh?”
The backbone of Canadian exports used to be Celine Dion, along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.

Proprietary rights to the word “eh” was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, “eh” has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money, eh?

The Canadian dollar, a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running about 78¢ US), is affectionately called “the Loonie.” There is a good reason for this. It has everything to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating). Conversely, the two dollar coin is called a “Toonie”. This is because Bugs Bunny is featured on the reverse.

Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind.
The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy – it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).

It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade, culture, language, vices, physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world’s best nation that shares a land border with the USA.