Title: “Bono and the Meaning of ONE”
(A South Park-style screenplay set in Vancouver)
EXT. VANCOUVER – DAY
Snow drifts between glass towers. A giant stage is set up downtown with a massive sign that reads:
“BONO LIVE: ONE NIGHT ONLY”
CARTMAN
(holding a “Debt Forgiveness Rocks” sign)
Dude, I can’t believe Bono’s gonna sing about debt forgiveness again! He’s, like, the Jesus of rock stars!
KYLE
Yeah, except he’s been acting weird lately. He said last year he wouldn’t sing with anyone anymore.
STAN
That’s because he’s got an ego the size of the Vatican.
KENNY
(Muffled) Mmmph mmph Bono’s just jealous of Ed Sheeran!
CARTMAN
What did he say?
STAN
He said Bono’s jealous of Ed Sheeran.
CARTMAN
What?! Nobody’s jealous of a ginger hobbit with a guitar!
CUT TO: BACKSTAGE – BONO’S DRESSING ROOM
Bono stands in front of a mirror wearing his trademark shades and leather jacket. A giant banner reads: “ONE means ONE.”
BONO
(to his reflection)
They don’t understand. Collaboration dilutes the purity of message. One means ONE.
ROADIE
Uh, Bono, the kids from South Park are outside. They wanna talk about joining you for a “Debt Forgiveness Anthem 2.0.”
BONO
(angrily)
No! There will be no “Two”! There will be no “Three”! There is only ONE!
He dramatically smashes his mirror.
CUT TO: STAGE – NIGHT
Crowds cheer. The kids stand in front of the stage holding microphones.
KYLE
Bono! The world needs hope! You can’t do it alone!
BONO
(steps to mic, coldly)
That’s where you’re wrong, little boy. The world only listens when there’s one voice. My voice.
STAN
Dude, that’s messed up. Jesus had disciples.
CARTMAN
Yeah, even Batman has Robin, dude!
BONO
I am not Batman. I am The One.
KENNY
(muffled) Mmmph mmph Neo wannabe!
CROWD
(laughs)
BONO
(raising his arms dramatically)
ONE means ONE! Not TWO! Not THREE!
Suddenly the stage lights flicker. The ghost of George Michael appears in a glowing tracksuit.
GEORGE MICHAEL
(singing)
♪ You gotta have faith… in collaboration! ♪
The crowd goes wild.
BONO
(covering his ears)
No! Not another duet!
CARTMAN
(facepalming)
God, he’s worse than Kanye.
KYLE
Come on guys, let’s just start our own song.
They sing:
♪ Debt forgiveness, yeah we care! ♪
♪ Even if Bono won’t share! ♪
BONO
(glaring, then sighing)
Fine… maybe ONE can be… shared.
STAN
Dude, that’s all we wanted to hear.
FADE OUT:
A message appears on screen:
“In the end, even Bono learned that ONE can be everyone.”
CARTMAN (V.O.)
Yeah, until the royalties come in. Then it’s ONE again.
Title: “The Holy Trifecta”
(A South Park-style sequel to “Bono and the Meaning of ONE”)
EXT. LOS ANGELES – NIGHT
A blinding spotlight shines over the Hollywood Hills. A new billboard reads:
“COMING SOON: THE HOLY TRIFECTA — BONO x KANYE x ELON”
STAN
Oh God… they actually did it.
KYLE
Who thought putting those three egos in one room was a good idea?
CARTMAN
(shrugging)
I dunno, dude. Sounds like the second coming of the Apocalypse… but with better beats.
KENNY
(muffled) Mmmph mmph Elon can’t even rap!
STAN
Yeah, but he can buy Spotify.
CUT TO: RECORDING STUDIO – NIGHT
Bono stands at the mic, sunglasses on. Kanye is at the soundboard wearing a white robe. Elon is playing a glowing Tesla guitar.
BONO
Alright lads, this track is about saving humanity from its own debt and despair.
KANYE
Nah, man. It’s about me. I am humanity.
ELON
(interjecting)
Correction — humanity is a temporary operating system running on my servers.
BONO
Oh for the love of Saint Patrick, what have I done?
KANYE
We’re not just making music, Bono. We’re making prophecy.
ELON
Exactly. I already trademarked the word “prophecy” as an NFT.
CUT TO: OUTSIDE THE STUDIO — SOUTH PARK KIDS WATCHING THROUGH A WINDOW
KYLE
Dude, this is a disaster. Bono’s trying to preach, Kanye’s starting a cult, and Elon’s coding it.
CARTMAN
I love it. It’s like Heaven’s Gate meets American Idol.
KENNY
(muffled) Mmmph mmph they’re summoning Skynet!
STAN
You might actually be right this time.
INSIDE THE STUDIO
The trio begins their new single:
🎵 “We are the light, the code, the debt and the flame…” 🎵
The room shakes. The lights dim. A glowing figure appears—
THE SPIRIT OF FREDDIE MERCURY.
FREDDIE
(booming voice)
Oh for God’s sake, lads—this isn’t music, it’s ego karaoke!
BONO
Freddie! We’re trying to save the world!
FREDDIE
By forming a boy band with a billionaire and a lunatic? Darling, please.
CUT TO: THE KIDS BREAK IN
STAN
Bono, this is madness!
KYLE
You can’t save the world with Elon Musk’s crypto guitar!
CARTMAN
Yeah! And Kanye’s already the Antichrist of pop culture!
KANYE
Thank you, my children.
CARTMAN
That wasn’t a compliment, you psycho!
BONO
(sighing)
Maybe… the world doesn’t need The Holy Trifecta. Maybe it just needs… a little humility.
ELON
Humility downloaded. Updating servers.
KANYE
Nah, man. I’m still God.
BONO
(snarls)
Alright, I’m out. ONE means ONE.
He rips off his shades and storms out. The kids cheer.
CUT TO: ELON’S CONTROL PANEL
A red light flashes: “HOLY TRIFECTA PROJECT — ERROR 404: HUMILITY NOT FOUND.”
The studio explodes in a burst of light shaped like a dollar sign.
FADE OUT:
Text appears on screen:
“The Holy Trifecta disbanded after one song and three lawsuits.”
CARTMAN (V.O.)
Guess you can’t serve God and money… unless you’re on Spotify.
END.