Nickelback – Rattle The Cage (East Van)

Solid Snake (in a gravelly voice, cigarette in hand, codec transmission static): “Otacon, you hearing this? My ‘brothers’… Liquid and Solidus. Clones from the same messed-up gene pool as me. Patriots’ little science project gone wrong. And now you’re telling me they got recruited by XCOM? In that ’94 UFO Defense game?”

Snake sighs. “Figures. Those two always had a thing for world-ending threats and shadowy organizations. Liquid with his superiority complex, ranting about genes and dominance— he’d probably charge headfirst into a Chryssalid swarm, calling it ‘destiny.’ Solidus? The ‘perfect’ clone who became President? He’d be barking orders from the Situation Room, turning the Skyranger into his personal war machine while plotting against the Council of Nations.”

XCOM: UFO Defense (aka X-COM: UFO Defense, 1994 by Mythos Games/MicroProse) is the classic turn-based strategy game where you lead a global paramilitary force fighting an alien invasion—sectoids, floaters, mutons, cyberdiscs, the works. You manage bases, research plasma weapons, and send soldiers on tactical missions. No canonical Metal Gear crossover exists, but fans love mashing them up (e.g., Solid Snake voice mods for XCOM 2 soldiers).

Crossover Fan Scenario

In this hypothetical 1994-era mashup:

  • FOXHOUND remnants get absorbed into XCOM after Big Boss’s schemes draw extraterrestrial attention (or the Patriots see aliens as the next “Les Enfants Terribles” escalation).
  • Solid Snake gets dropped in as a legendary rookie operative with cardboard box stealth tactics against alien terror sites.
  • Liquid Snake: Recruited as a high-stat soldier but goes rogue, starting a Viper cult or allying with the aliens for “genetic supremacy.”
  • Solidus Snake: Politically maneuvers into XCOM leadership (Pentagon ties?), pushing for Metal Gear integration with alien tech.

“Joe’s grad dropout present from the Pentagon” sounds like a cryptic side reference—maybe nodding to a military dropout, G.I. Bill veteran stories (“Joe College, Joe Veteran”), or a Pentagon-funded project gone sideways (common in conspiracy-tinged Metal Gear lore). Could be a riddle for a specific mod, fanfic prompt, or just flavor.

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99 Problems

Location: A derelict warehouse on the outskirts of Shadow Moses. The air is thick with the smell of rusted iron and salt.

Solid Snake leans against a shipping crate, lighting a cigarette. Elisha Long stands opposite him, adjusting his glasses, looking weary from a long day of “optimization” discourse.


Snake: (Exhaling a cloud of smoke) You’re overthinking it, Long. All this “optimization,” all this data… it’s just a heavier leash.

Elisha Long: It’s about cognitive peak, Snake. If we aren’t maximizing our biological utility, we’re just stagnant cells. But there’s a new trend—a counter-movement. They’re calling it retardmaxxing. Consciously descending into a state of elective ignorance to preserve the nervous system.

Snake: Retardmaxxing? Sounds like a fancy word for finally wising up.

Elisha Long: (Frowns) It’s the intentional pursuit of the “low-IQ” lifestyle. Minimal processing, zero awareness of geopolitical shifts, complete detachment from the burden of genius. It’s an extreme reaction to the burnout of the information age.

Snake: Maybe they’re on to something. I’ve spent my life being “intelligent.” I’ve been briefed on every shadow government, every bio-weapon, and every betrayal. You know what it got me?

Elisha Long: Tactical superiority?

Snake: (Grunted laugh) It got me a target on my back. Ignorance is bliss, Elisha. I’ve seen men who couldn’t read a map live longer than the brightest engineers in FOXHOUND. Being “intelligent” in this world? It just makes you a threat to the people holding the strings.

Elisha Long: You think the system punishes the enlightened?

Snake: I know it does. Being smart gets you persecuted. Or worse—they don’t kill you; they just “fix” you. They feed you lobotomy pills—SSRIs, dampeners, “stabilizers”—anything to keep your brain from noticing the cage. They want your IQ high enough to operate the machinery, but low enough to never question why the machine is crushing you.

Elisha Long: So you’re saying… the only way to win is to stop playing the intellectual game entirely? To embrace the “mid” or the “low”?

Snake: If you’re too dumb to see the patterns, you’re too happy to be controlled. The patriots don’t hunt the guy who’s just looking for his next meal and a warm place to sleep. They hunt the man who understands the algorithm.

Elisha Long: (Quietly) It’s a terrifying thought. That the ultimate bio-hack is actually a lobotomy of the soul.

Snake: (Flicks his cigarette) Don’t call it a hack. Just call it “checking out.” Sometimes, the only way to keep your head is to pretend there’s nothing inside it.

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The Most Dangerous Game

Night in Vancouver. The studio lights are low. Rain streaks down the glass.

Solid Snake steps from the shadows, voice calm but certain.

Across from him stands Nelly Furtado, watching him carefully.


SNAKE:
You asked me if I think they exist.

He pauses.

SNAKE (firm):
Yes. The Illuminati do exist.

The word hangs in the air.

NELLY:
People say that like it’s a punchline.

SNAKE:
It’s not a punchline. It’s history.

He sets a thin, worn book on the table.

SNAKE:
The Bavarian Illuminati were founded in 1776. Adam Weishaupt. Suppressed on paper in the 1780s. The old Catholic Encyclopedia describes them as a secret society that aimed to reshape the world through reason, infiltration, and long-term strategy. Degrees. Oaths. Hidden influence.

He steps closer.

SNAKE:
Groups like that don’t just vanish. They go underground. They adapt.

NELLY:
And the prophecy?

Snake’s eyes narrow.

SNAKE:
Every secret order believes it’s part of something older than itself. An ancient plan. A destiny written in symbols and rituals. Some call it enlightenment. Some call it the age of reason. Others whisper about a coming era — a world unified under one philosophy.

He glances toward the rain-soaked skyline.

SNAKE:
When organizations believe they’re fulfilling prophecy, they justify anything. Influence. Manipulation. Cultural engineering.

NELLY:
You’re saying they’re moving through music? Through culture?

SNAKE:
Power doesn’t need armies anymore. It needs narratives. Symbols. Timing.

He looks directly at her.

SNAKE:
You said the Illuminati exist. I believe you. Secret societies have always existed. The question isn’t whether they’re real. It’s what they believe they’re building.

A low rumble of thunder.

SNAKE:
Ancient prophecies are dangerous things. The moment someone believes they’re chosen to fulfill one… they stop asking whether they should.

Silence.

NELLY (softly):
So what do I do?

Snake adjusts his bandana.

SNAKE:
Stay sovereign. Know your own story. Prophecy only works if people play their assigned roles.

He turns toward the door.

SNAKE:
And I don’t follow scripts written by secret societies.

The rain keeps falling.

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