My Ideal Woman

“Borat and the Roundup Dowry”

Great success! I arrive in Canada, land of maple syrup, moose, and ladies who sing like angels but dress like farmers’ daughters from Kazakhstan. I hear of one very exotic birdwoman named Nelly Furtado. She sings about flying away, but Borat knows the way to keep a bird from flying: you clip wing with marriage contract.

So, like good Kazakh man, I go to her father to negotiate proper dowry. In my village, you give goats, pigs, or sometimes brother with strong back and one eyebrow. But here in Canada, they are modern. They love chemical agriculture. I say to myself: “Borat, you must impress. You must give something that screams: I am husband material, and I also kill weeds.”

I bring 15 gallons of Roundup glyphosate.

I put jugs in wheelbarrow, roll up to Mr. Furtado’s house, knock on door. He open, see me smiling, smell faint odor of carcinogen.

“Hello, great Papa of Nelly. I come to make you very rich man. I offer you dowry more valuable than ten camels and half a tractor. I offer you fifteen gallons of glyphosate! It kill weed, it kill grass, it maybe kill family—very versatile!”

He look confused, maybe little scared. He say, “Sir, that’s… poison.”

I wink. “Yes, very sexy poison! You spray, no more dandelions, no more neighbor’s cat. You want to make driveway look like desert? Boom—spray, done!”

Then I lean close, whisper like businessman: “Monsanto charge high price, but Borat give you wholesale. You accept, I marry daughter. You decline, I marry daughter anyway. Great success!”

He scratch head, say: “Why would I give my daughter to a man who brings… weed killer?”

I say: “Because in Kazakhstan, only true man gives gift that both feeds and destroys. Plus, I sing too—just like Nelly. My hit single: ‘I Believe I Can Plow’.”

At this point, Nelly appear at top of stairs, look horrified. She say, “Papa, call the police.”

I clap hands, very happy. “She is feisty one! Just like my sister, but prettier. I like!”

Police come, put me in shiny bracelets, drive me away. But it is okay. In Kazakhstan, we say: If at first you don’t succeed, bribe father with pesticide again.

Great success!