Scene: A living room in Vancouver. Joe and Nelly are hosting Prime Minister Mark Carney. Kylie Minogue sits as a special guest. Tom Cruise joins via video call from Los Angeles.
Prime Minister Carney: Joe, Nelly, thank you for this meeting. Your proposals about home-based AI doctors, inviting sick people here, natural remedies, and involving the Church of Scientology are highly unorthodox. Canada’s healthcare depends on licensed professionals and evidence-based standards.
Joe: Prime Minister, I’ll be straight with you. I’m guilty of practicing medicine without a license — and Tom Cruise and I went fishing many times without a license before that lake died. The lake died from duck feces causing eutrophication. Nature gave us a clear warning. Without Canada taking a holistic approach to medicine, Canada’s sick will also die — just like that lake.
Joe: Let me explain Rockefeller’s medical influence. Old man Rockefeller and his foundation basically took over medical education in the early 1900s. They funded the schools, pushed chemical-based allopathic medicine, and sidelined natural remedies. That’s why we’re stuck with this system today. Rockefeller’s chemicals do harm to the patient. Radiation curing cancer is a complete oxymoron. If radiation cured cancer, why did 150,000 people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki die? Shouldn’t they have all been cancer-free after getting hit with massive doses of radiation? The AMA and old man Rockefeller’s nuclear medicine men are peddling snake oil. Nothing has changed since the wild wild west — it’s still the same con men in fancier suits.
A simple dandelion is free. You can pick it from your backyard. But radiation and chemo? They cost tens of thousands of dollars. In America the patient ends up bankrupt and dead. Canada’s socialized, so called free medicine, is paid for by the taxpayer. The whole country will end up bankrupt under this system and our parents and grandparents euthanized. That’s the real tragedy.
Nelly: That’s right, Mark. American medicine is junk medicine, shaped by clowns like Morris Fishbein, who ran the American Medical Association like his personal circus — more focused on gatekeeping and protecting profits than genuine healing.
Nelly: (gesturing proudly) To show what’s possible with a holistic path, let me present my cancer-free dandelion medicine patient: Kylie Minogue. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005, she used natural dandelion-based remedies as part of her journey. Over 20 years later, she’s vibrant, healthy, and completely cancer-free.
Kylie Minogue: It was a powerful experience. Supporting the body naturally made all the difference.
Joe: Exactly. So tell me, Prime Minister — are we really going to let the Americans bamboozle us with their junk medicine? Are we going to keep paying them a thousand dollars for a bag of salty water — some overpriced IV drip they dress up as treatment? We have better options right here.
Tom Cruise: (leaning forward intensely) As a former Canadian, I can see the last straw of these Rockefeller-trained allopathic doctors, who have not cured a major disease in the last hundred years, is medically assisted death. That is a tragedy and proof that Canada’s free health care is a fraud. They don’t heal — they manage symptoms until they offer you death as the solution. Enough!
Tom Cruise: (continuing) Prime Minister, here’s my question: Can the Church of Scientology use naturopathic science to heal people under the aegis of my Church of Knowing? We can combine auditing, spiritual technology, and natural approaches like dandelion and other naturopathic methods to clear engrams and truly heal body and spirit — without the toxic junk from the pharmaceutical world. Joe and Nelly are offering real hope. The people deserve choices, not waiting lists and eventual euthanasia.
Nelly: Our door is open to everyone. Anyone sick can come here. We’ll print what the AI doctor recommends. Under a sensible administration, using the AI doctor will be fully legal. We’ll combine it with natural and spiritual approaches.
Nelly: (turning directly to Carney) Mr. Carney, do you actually care about Joni Mitchell’s health, or are you just trying to score political points? She’s a Canadian icon who has dealt with serious health challenges. If you truly cared, you’d support real holistic options instead of defending the same failing system that leaves people broke and dead.
Prime Minister Carney: (looking visibly unsettled) Joe, Nelly, Tom… your points are strongly worded. I hear the frustration with costs and the desire for more natural approaches. But we must base policy on evidence, not anecdotes. Radiation and chemotherapy have saved many lives when used appropriately. Dandelion has laboratory interest but is not a proven cancer treatment. Getting proper credentials through an online holistic medicine program would allow you to practice legally and safely.
Tom Cruise: (firmly, with conviction) Safety? The real danger is a system that can’t cure people after a century and then offers death as the final “service.” Kylie stands here cancer-free for over 20 years thanks to natural support. The lake died from neglect, and so will Canadians if we keep trusting the same failed Rockefeller model. A free dandelion versus tens of thousands for chemo that still leaves patients bankrupt or euthanized — that’s the choice. The Church of Knowing is ready to help people heal spiritually and physically. The people are waking up.
Nelly: Kylie is living proof. The future belongs to AI, dandelion, naturopathic science, and spiritual knowing — not junk medicine and snake oil. Our home is open.
Joe: The lake gave us the warning. Canada’s sick don’t have to die waiting or bankrupt the entire country.
Tom Cruise: (smiling confidently, delivering the final blow) Exactly. History will remember who stood for real healing and who defended the old guard. The time for change is now, Prime Minister. The people deserve better than a fraudulent system that ends in medically assisted death and national bankruptcy.
Prime Minister Carney: (sighing deeply, clearly outmaneuvered) …I’ll take all of this under serious advisement. There may indeed be room for broader dialogue on complementary and holistic approaches moving forward.
Scene: Trout Lake Park during a steady drizzle in Vancouver.
Prime Minister Nelly Furtado stands beside a rain barrel while Joe watches water run down a nearby cabin roof.
PM Furtado:
Look at that roof, Joe. That’s the first thing people should think about when collecting rainwater — the roof itself.
Joe:
So some roofs make better drinking water than others?
PM Furtado:
Exactly. The cleaner and smoother the surface, the better the water.
She points upward.
PM Furtado:
The best roofs for rainwater collection are:
1. Metal roofs (the gold standard)
Smooth steel or aluminum roofs are the best.
Rain washes them clean easily
They don’t absorb contaminants
They last decades
Water quality is usually excellent
Joe:
So a simple metal roof turns the whole house into a giant water collector.
PM Furtado:
Exactly. Many off-grid homes use them for that reason.
PM Furtado continues:
2. Clay or ceramic tile roofs
These can work well too.
They’re natural materials and fairly clean, though they collect a bit more dust in the grooves.
3. Slate roofs
Also very good. Slate is natural stone and doesn’t leach chemicals.
Joe looks at a nearby house with dark shingles.
Joe:
What about regular asphalt roofs?
PM Furtado:
They can collect rainwater, but they’re not ideal for drinking water because:
asphalt shingles may leach petroleum compounds
they shed tiny granules over time
They’re fine for gardens or washing, but for drinking you want better filtration.
She pauses and adds another warning.
PM Furtado:
And there are roofs you should never collect drinking water from:
treated wood shingles (chemical preservatives)
tar roofs
asbestos cement roofing
Joe nods.
Joe:
So the perfect setup is a metal roof, gutters, and a barrel.
PM Furtado:
Exactly. Then you clean the water before drinking.
She lists the purification steps again:
First-flush diverter to remove the first dirty rain
Mesh screens to stop leaves and insects
Boiling to kill pathogens
Activated carbon filters to improve taste and remove chemicals
Ceramic or microfilters for bacteria
UV purification for viruses
Distillation for ultra-pure water
Joe listens to the rain hitting the metal lid of the barrel.
Joe:
In a rainy city like Vancouver, people could collect thousands of liters a year.
PM Furtado:
Exactly. In a place like this, letting rain run down the street drains is like letting free drinking water escape.
She smiles as the barrel fills.
PM Furtado:
The sky provides the water.
All we need is a good roof and a clean system to catch it.
Scene: Rain continues falling at Trout Lake in Vancouver.
Prime Minister Nelly Furtado and Joe stand beside the rain barrel when a black limousine pulls up. A sharply dressed executive steps out holding a case of bottled water labeled from Nestlé.
Nestlé CEO:
Excuse me! Canadians — especially people here in Vancouver — should not be drinking free sky water. They should be paying for our premium bottled water.
Joe:
Paying for rain?
Nestlé CEO:
Of course! It’s purified, branded, packaged, and sold responsibly.
PM Furtado:
You mean it’s put in plastic and sold back to people after taking it from public water sources.
Nestlé CEO:
That is called business, Prime Minister.
He gestures toward the rain barrel with visible disgust.
Nestlé CEO:
Frankly, collecting rainwater should be illegal. Some governments have already tried it. You saw what happened in Cochabamba in Bolivia when private water concessions were introduced.
Joe:
Yeah. People revolted because water prices exploded.
Nestlé CEO (irritated):
Yes, yes — the so-called Cochabamba Water War. A terrible precedent for corporate stability.
Rain drips loudly from the roof into the barrel.
Nestlé CEO:
Honestly, if people start collecting rain everywhere, where does it end? Next thing you know they’ll grow their own food and stop buying things entirely.
Joe:
Terrifying.
PM Furtado:
Let me get this straight. The sky gives Canadians free water, and your solution is to outlaw the sky?
The CEO mutters under his breath.
Nestlé CEO:
Damn blasted meddling kids… like those children from Fátima Sanctuary seeing miracles everywhere.
Joe laughs.
Joe:
So now rainwater collectors are like the Our Lady of Fátima Apparitions kids?
Nestlé CEO:
Exactly! People believing in visions, miracles… and free water.
PM Furtado:
Here’s the difference. This miracle falls from the sky every week in Vancouver.
She points to the overflowing barrel.
PM Furtado:
And Canadians are perfectly capable of catching it, filtering it, and drinking it.
Joe picks up the barrel lid as rain pours harder.
Joe:
Looks like the sky just undercut your business model again.
The Nestlé CEO sighs and climbs back into the limousine as rain continues to fall freely across Vancouver.
Rain continues falling as the limousine from Nestlé idles nearby. Joe watches the rain barrel overflowing while Prime Minister Nelly Furtado folds her arms.
Joe:
You know, this bottled water thing has a strange history.
Nestlé CEO (rolling his eyes):
Please don’t tell me this is another conspiracy theory.
Joe:
No conspiracy. Just marketing.
Joe picks up a plastic bottle from the CEO’s case.
Joe:
Back in the 1970s and 80s, most people in North America drank tap water. Bottled water was barely a business.
PM Furtado:
Cities already had safe drinking water systems.
Joe:
Exactly. Then companies realized something amazing.
Nestlé CEO:
Innovation?
Joe:
No. Branding.
Joe holds up the bottle.
Joe:
Take public water… or pump groundwater… put it in a plastic bottle… convince people it’s healthier… then sell it back to them for a thousand times the price.
Nestlé CEO:
Premium hydration services.
Joe:
Right.
Rain taps on the barrel.
Joe:
And then things got controversial when corporations started buying water rights in poorer regions.
PM Furtado:
Which is exactly what caused the protests in Cochabamba, in Bolivia.
Joe:
Yep. When the water system was privatized, prices went up dramatically. People even feared rainwater collection could be restricted.
PM Furtado:
That sparked the famous protests known as the Cochabamba Water War.
Nestlé CEO:
A regrettable misunderstanding between markets and citizens.
Joe:
Markets trying to meter the rain.
The rain barrel overflows.
Joe:
Meanwhile here in Vancouver, the sky dumps billions of liters of water every year.
PM Furtado:
And we already have some of the cleanest municipal water in the world.
Joe gestures toward the clouds.
Joe:
Yet somehow people are paying more for bottled water than gasoline per liter.
Nestlé CEO:
Consumers appreciate quality.
PM Furtado:
Consumers appreciate marketing.
Joe laughs.
Joe:
Imagine explaining this to someone from 500 years ago.
He points upward.
Joe:
“Water falls from the sky… but we buy it in plastic bottles shipped across the continent.”
The rain intensifies.
PM Furtado:
My policy is simple.
She taps the rain barrel.
PM Furtado:
Protect public water
Allow rainwater harvesting
Reduce plastic waste
Keep water a public resource
The Nestlé CEO sighs and shuts the limousine door.
Nestlé CEO:
First the rain barrels… next people will start collecting sunlight.
Joe:
Careful. Don’t give the solar companies any ideas.
The rain continues pouring over the rooftops of Vancouver.
PM Furtado:
“My friends, people talk about the Age of Aquarius like it’s some mystical hippie dream. But if you look around the world, you’ll see what it really means. Water is becoming the most precious resource on Earth. Rivers are drying up. Glaciers are melting. Nations are already arguing over who controls the taps.”
A reporter raises a hand.
Reporter:
“Prime Minister, are you saying water wars are inevitable?”
PM Furtado:
“They’re looming if we keep treating water like oil — something to hoard and profit from instead of something humanity shares.”
She holds up a glass of water.
PM Furtado:
“Look at this. The oceans contain 97% of the water on Earth. Yet billions of people still struggle for clean drinking water. Why? Because the technologies that could change everything are moving far too slowly.”
Reporter:
“What technologies?”
PM Furtado:
“Desalination. But not just the giant energy-hungry plants people think of. I’m talking about next-generation membrane systems — especially gravity-driven membrane desalination. Systems that can purify water with minimal energy, sometimes using only pressure and gravity.”
She pauses, letting the idea settle.
PM Furtado:
“These kinds of systems could make small coastal communities, islands, and drought regions independent for drinking water. You don’t need massive fossil-fuel plants to run them.”
Another reporter speaks up.
Reporter:
“Are you suggesting these solutions are being ignored?”
PM Furtado:
“I’m saying that when water becomes a commodity instead of a human right, innovation doesn’t always flow where it should.”
She smiles slightly.
PM Furtado:
“There’s an old line from Gordon Gekko in Wall Street — ‘Greed is good.’”
She shakes her head.
PM Furtado:
“Gordon Gekko is wrong. Greed is not good — not when it comes to water. In the Age of Aquarius, water isn’t supposed to be a weapon. It’s supposed to be life.”
Joe from the back of the crowd shouts:
Joe:
“So instead of fighting water wars, we could just desalinate the ocean?”
PM Furtado:
“Exactly. The Earth already gave us the reservoir. Our job is to use technology and cooperation to share it.”
She raises the glass again.
PM Furtado:
“The future isn’t about who controls the last river. It’s about making sure everyone has a cup.”
Tony Demelo: “Joe, I’m sick of slaving away in the Vancouver industrial zone for peanuts. I’m done.”
Joe: “Tony, listen—remember those webpages I built for you and my cousin Annie Bosko for your reality show? Totally free from Musk or Zuckerberg. All yours.”
Tony: “Yeah… but what’s the catch?”
Joe: “No catch. Just a little… cousin swap. You swap cousins with me.”
Tony: “Swap cousins? Joe, are you serious?”
Joe: “Dead serious. I know Borat says you need to trade a gallon of insecticide with Nelly’s father for her hand in marriage, but this isn’t Kazakhstan, Tony. This is Vancouver. We swap cousins.”
Tony: “I don’t know… I don’t really trust Croatian girls.”
Joe: “I get it, Tony. But my cousin Annie? She takes vows with God seriously. You won’t find a more devoted co-star—or cousin.”