Portuguese Honey Bandages

In Lisbon, Nelly Furtado stood before a crowd of her fellow Portuguese, side by side with the leaders of the Forรงa party, holding up a roll of fresh hemp-and-Manuka-honey bandages.

โ€œThese,โ€ she declared, โ€œwill heal our children and our elders without the poisons of the past. We ban Johnson & Johnsonโ€™s toxic bandages, and we embrace what nature has given us.โ€

Joe, standing beside her, opened a small Bible he always carried. His voice rose with conviction:

โ€œThe prophet Isaiah said it: He binds up the wounds of His people and wipes every tear from their eyes. This is not just scriptureโ€”it is a promise we must live. No more toxins, no more deception. Only healing.โ€

The crowd cheered, not only for the ban but for the vision of a healthier, purer way forward. Hemp glue instead of chemicals. Honey instead of synthetic antiseptics. A return to Godโ€™s medicine chest.

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Non Toxic Perfume

Joe Jukic leans back, squints at Nelly like a general signing off on a peace treaty.
“Very wellโ€ฆ you are free. To sell non-toxic perfume.”
He pauses, then points like a man mapping battle lines.
“But donโ€™t stop there. Endorse the clean stuff they can actually trustโ€”before Bezos turns the whole planet into one giant cardboard box.”

Joeโ€™s Approved Non-Toxic Arsenal:

  • Toothpaste: A fluoride-free, glycerin-free herbal formula that wonโ€™t coat your teeth in mystery chemicalsโ€”mint so fresh, it could win the Cold War.
  • Shampoo: Plant-based, biodegradable, no parabens, no sulfatesโ€”just aloe, rosemary, and the kind of shine that says โ€œI donโ€™t use shampoo tested on lab bunnies.โ€
  • Sunscreen: Reef-safe zinc oxide, no oxybenzone, no octinoxateโ€”SPF that guards skin without nuking coral reefs into extinction.
  • Dish Soap: Coconut-based surfactants, citrus oil for grease-cutting, and zero petrochemicalsโ€”so clean you could drink it (but please donโ€™t, weโ€™re not that kind of rebel).

Joe gives her the final nod.
“Go forth, Nelly. Sell the things that donโ€™t poison peopleโ€ฆ and remember, I canโ€™t sell anymore since Bezos pulled the plug on the affiliate program. Thatโ€™s your battlefield now.”

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