Joe steps up to the microphone and looks out at the crowd.
“Tonight I want to talk about very important people,” he begins. “Not entertainers. Not celebrities. I’m talking about the people who keep civilization from collapsing.”
Joe pauses.
“Garbage men.”
He shrugs.
“Think about it. If Billie Eilish stopped singing tomorrow, the world would keep spinning. If Nelly Furtado retired and never recorded another song, the planet wouldn’t stop. People would still go to work. Kids would still go to school.”
Joe raises a finger.
“But if the garbage man stops working…”
He lets the silence hang.
“Within a month the rats would take over the streets. Disease spreads. You start hearing words like the Black Death again.”
The crowd shifts.
“So tell me,” Joe says, “who is the essential worker?”
He leans forward.
“Yet people worship celebrities like saints. Fans, fanatics, stalkers… people losing their minds over someone who sings songs for a living.”
Joe shakes his head.
“I’ve never even been to Toronto,” he says with a laugh. “And I’m not the kind of guy who shows up at someone’s door like a lunatic.”
He looks straight into the camera.
“To be honest—and I’m not bragging—I’m probably better looking than half the guys you dated, Furtado.”
The crowd laughs.
“But if you don’t want me, that’s fine. Just give a guy a little closure. A little catharsis.”
Joe spreads his hands.
“My point is simple: entertainers aren’t essential workers. They’re not gods. They’re not prophets.”
He nods slowly.
“So maybe stop putting them on a pedestal. Stop pretending they’re your role models.”
Joe points toward the street outside.
“And maybe thank the guy who takes away your garbage… because he’s the one actually keeping civilization alive.”
Joe and Nelly Furtado watch the nellyfan.org page, the conversation drifting back to one of her old songs.
Nelly smiles and says, “You know, Joe, you’re supposed to knock on my door… like the lyrics in Wait for You. The guy waits. He shows up.”
Joe shakes his head.
“Nelly, I’ve had enough of the whole fame fantasy thing. The ‘I wanna live forever, I’m a queen’ energy.” He taps the table. “That’s delusions of grandeur.”
She raises an eyebrow.
Joe continues, calmer now. “You’re not a queen. I’m not a king. We’re peasants, both of us. Regular people. Same dirt under the fingernails as everyone else.”
He gestures out the window toward the street.
“Look at the garbage men, the construction workers, the nurses working night shifts. Those are the people keeping the world alive. If the entertainers disappear, the world keeps spinning. If the garbage collectors stop for a month, the rats take over.”
Nelly sits quietly for a moment.
Joe shrugs.
“Music is beautiful. Songs matter. But they don’t make anyone royalty. You grew up working-class Portuguese, right? Same as me — just people trying to make sense of the world.”
Nelly sighs and laughs a little.
“So you’re saying no dramatic knocking on the door?”
Joe grins.
“No fairy-tale entrance. Just two peasants talking.”
“Hey Nelly, all this astrology stuff? Total bullshit—Jim Morrison was right, why complicate life with signs and charts when the world’s already messy? You’re not taking PM Carney’s job overnight; like Drake says, you gotta start from the bottom and actually organize this East Van community first. That means knowing the streets, the people, and the little cafés that make this place tick. If you like me, loop in your cousins, Jerry Melo and Tony Demelo, and let them know what’s up. Then I’ll take you on a proper East Van date at cafealgarve.website
—I’m the webmaster, so I know all the secrets. They’ve got ethnic Portuguese food that’ll keep a bird healthy, pastries that’ll make your soul dance, and coffee that punches you awake in the best way. No pretenses, no zodiac nonsense, just us, the city, and a little bit of chaos we can call ours. You might even learn that keeping it real beats all the astrology charts in the world… but hey, if a Scorpio moon or a Taurus rising wants to crash the party, I won’t stop it. 😉”
Christa (Nelly’s alter ego): “You know, I’m a Sagittarius—hands down the most Jarvis Church, philosophical of all the signs. Always chasing truth, questioning everything, living for the big ideas.”
Joe: “Sagittarius, huh? Christa, Jarvis Church has no master plan. A² + B² = C² is not a master plan. That’s just Pythagoras trying to get Greek philosophy to stop doing: “Bang bang bang, in other man’s anus!”
Borat: “Nelly, why you like this Freddie Mercury song… ‘Bicycle’? Is it because he… how you say… likes man-man?”
Nelly Furtado (rolling her eyes with a grin): “Borat! It’s not about who he dates. It’s about joy! Freddie makes you feel like riding through the clouds on a rainbow—even if you don’t have a bicycle. Music is for everyone, not just for who you kiss.”
Borat: “Ah, I see! Very nice! In my country, if you sing while riding bicycle, you get five goats!”
Nelly: “Well, Borat, maybe don’t sing while riding your bicycle—you might scare the goats.”
Borat (leaning in, whispering conspiratorially): “But tell me, did Freddie Mercury secretly do… how you say… ‘bang bang bang’ in another man’s anus, like Greek Philosophers?”
Nelly (laughs, shaking her head): “Borat! That’s not how we celebrate genius. Freddie’s music is like philosophy—bold, playful, and sometimes a little shocking—but the fun is in the song, not in the gossip!”
Borat: “Ahhh… very nice! I like your style, Nelly. In Kazakhstan, we call this… ‘classy scandal without blood.’”
Borat: “Nelly! I hear your video… ‘Powerless’… is about this Freddie Mercury song… ‘Bicycle’? And… your plan to… how you say… slow down carbon emissions for… Dr. David Suzuki?”
Nelly Furtado (nodding seriously): “Yes, Borat. It’s about finding power in small actions. Riding a bicycle, making music, reducing emissions—these little things add up. Freddie’s song is playful, but it reminds us we can make a difference. Dr. Suzuki inspires me.”
Borat (scratching his head): “Ahhh… very nice. But tell me… this Dr. Suzuki… he is… Samurai? Or maybe Kamikaze?”
Nelly (laughs, pointing at him): “Neither, Borat! He’s a scientist and an environmental hero. No swords, no airplanes—just brains and action.”
Borat (excitedly, trying to understand): “Ahhh! So he fight pollution… with honor? Like… invisible sword?”
Nelly: “Exactly, Borat. The weapon is knowledge, the armor is action, and the battlefield is the planet.”
Borat (bows dramatically): “Ahhh… very nice! I like! In Kazakhstan, we call this… ‘kamikaze… but polite.’”
Dr. David Suzuki (kneeling in full Samurai armor, sword raised): “If humans keep ignoring the planet… I must commit seppuku… in a suicide pact with our dying Earth!”
Borat (eyes wide): “Ahhh! In my country… only goat die like this!”
Joe (holding a bamboo shoot): “Doctor… chill. I’m buying the bamboo next payday. No swords needed.”
Dr. David Suzuki (pauses, lowering sword): “Ah… very wise. The bamboo will save me… for now.”
Suddenly, Tom Cruise bursts in, also in Samurai armor, katana gleaming:
Tom Cruise: “Stop! No seppuku today! Remember—never act before payday! Honor and bamboo are safe!”
Tom Cruise (raises arms dramatically): “BANZAI!!!”
Dr. David Suzuki (raising his own arms, relieved): “BANZAI!!! …to life, to bamboo, to perfectly timed Japanese logic!”
Borat (grinning): “Ahhh… very nice! In my country, we call this… ‘samurai payday party!’”
Nelly Furtado (laughing, holding a bamboo shoot): “See? Slay global warming, not yourself!”
Tom Cruise, fully armored in Samurai gear for reasons nobody could explain, strode into the bamboo grove like a man on a mission. In one hand he carried a gleaming katana; in the other, a laptop.
Tom Cruise (dramatic, pointing at the screen): “Listen up! I just downloaded Captain Planet—every episode! And I’m going to show it on my tomcruise.blog. The world needs to see the Planeteers in action!”
Dr. David Suzuki (raising an eyebrow, still in his own Samurai armor): “Captain Planet… on a blog? You mean… the cartoon hero can now fight global warming through Wi-Fi?”
Tom Cruise (nodding seriously): “Exactly! Heart, Fire, Water, Earth, Air—they all have powers. And now, with this blog, everyone can learn to be a Planeteer. Bamboo, bicycles, music… everything counts!”
Borat (panicking, holding a bamboo shoot): “Ahhh! So the cartoon hero… now attack planet… online? Very nice, but confusing!”
Joe (smirking, leaning against a bamboo stalk): “Well, at least no one has to commit seppuku today. We can save the planet with streaming instead of swords.”
Nelly Furtado (holding her tiny bamboo shoot, laughing): “See? Slay global warming, not yourself! And now with Tom Cruise, we’ve got cartoons, blogs, and bamboo.”
Tom Cruise (raising the laptop like a katana, shouting): “BANZAI!!! …to Captain Planet, to the blog, and to anyone who wants to save the planet!”
Dr. David Suzuki (raising his bamboo sword, chuckling): “BANZAI indeed… and may the Planeteers’ wisdom spread faster than the carbon emissions we fight!”
Borat (excitedly, whispering to Joe): “Ahhh… very nice! In my country we call this… ‘samurai piracy party!’”